I’m Not There Yet

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I was running the loop around the park near my brother’s house in Tucson when the thought crossed my mind.

If I were to bump into him on the street today would I be able to say hello…would I go so far as to give him a hug hello?

The thought invaded my happy little morning run like a side stitch.  And, as the song By Your Side played through my ear buds, I silently answered my own thought…no, I couldn’t do that.

Why did that thought come to mind, Lord? Why now…after all these years?

And then I looked up. I was jogging right by the bank, right by the bank where he was arrested for the first time.

Every time I come back to town and drive by it again, I can feel all those red warning lights going off in my heart again.  Get out.  Get out now.  I didn’t heed the warnings. I stayed and watched as those initial red lights eventually became a way of life.  I spent a decade riding through life on an out of control roller coaster.

My son occasionally asks me why I don’t like roller coasters. I don’t know how to explain to him that once you get off one you fearfully chose to ride for years, the last thing you want to do is step back on another one.

As I rounded the corner and finished the last leg of my run back to my brother’s house my heart cried out again

I’m sorry, Lord.  I’m not there yet. 

This extravagant grace you offer us, those warm undeserved embraces you continually give us…how do you do it? 

Keep working on me, Lord. 

9 thoughts on “I’m Not There Yet

  1. Anne

    Talking with Lucy about forgiveness a while ago and she pointed out that to forgive is not the same as to reconcile. To forgive is a one-sided emotional act. To reconcile requires two souls which are both ready to move on together.

    Reply
    1. Eileen Post author

      That’s a great distinction, Anne. I think what I have a hard to time with is the struggle between learning to show and live extravagant grace and love vs. simply tolerating someone. Jesus went to extreme measures to show that love and grace…I have long way to go.

      Reply
  2. Chris Monahan

    You are in that tough place, Eileen. I find myself in/near there most days.
    I SO want to be like Jesus: to serve, love, give, affirm and forgive. But I fall short, which is so frustrating.
    Bill (cycleguy) is right. Keep running toward God. Of course He knows and understands you are trying and, I believe, will appreciate you (and love you, of course) for trying to do the right thing. Blessings.

    Reply
    1. Eileen Post author

      Thanks for the support Chris. The experience reminded me of how we can feel certain we are good at extending grace but then you might be thrown into a situation where that belief is tested. And we all know…our actions speak louder than words…and reveals what my be going on in our hearts.

      Reply

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