It occurred to me again last night that I wouldn’t make a very good God. This verse came to mind on my run last night:
“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Is: 43:25
I went for my run shortly after discovering a stupid mistake I made that left several large and obvious scrapes on our somewhat new (less than 2 years old) leather couch. I know it’s not a sin to leave scrapes on a couch, but this verse still popped into my brain as I ran along beating myself up for my stupidity.
This couch is the couch my husband and I want to grow old with. We retired our old spring-less smelly couch and got this one. We purposely waited until after our son was beyond the peeing on furniture, jumping on furniture, and spilling juice every other day stage in life. And now this couch has blemishes, not from a young child, but from a 41-year-old lady who made a silly mistake.
If you know me at all, you know I don’t really care about fancy stuff. I’m not what people would call materialistic. I hate shopping, just ask my husband who was with me a few days ago when I was attempting to buy a pair of much-needed jeans.
It occurred to me as I ran along last night that the marks on my couch were not the issue. The issue is that when I make a mistake, I tend to treat myself like the nagging wife. I file away the error and choose to pull it out and rub it in my own face during a fight with myself.
After I made this mistake, I started to remember every other not so smooth move I’ve made over the last month. I started thinking about all the stupid errors I’ve made at work and I used those thoughts as my ammunition. I turned the gun on myself and started firing rapidly.
Why can’t you just excel at one thing??
You’re a good worker, but you’re not a great worker.
You’re a good writer, but you’re not a great writer.
You’re a good wife, but you’re not a great wife.
You’re a good friend, but you’re not a great friend.
You’re a good mom, but you’re not a great mom.
I kept firing until the tears began to roll to down my cheeks.
No, thank goodness I’m not God.
My internal firing squad sometimes lacks grace and forgiveness. I talk about the importance of extending grace, love, and words of kindness to others but sometimes I have a hard time extending those things to myself.
This song began playing as I ran along and it guided me back to the truth. The Truth that I know I’m not seeking when I start feeling as if I’m not good enough.
I’m not perfect and that really is okay despite what my internal perfectionist bully tries to tell me when she rears her ugly head.
That grace and forgiveness…we need to claim it for ourselves too.
And, I guess if it takes a scar on a couch to remind me of the healing that comes with His grace and forgiveness then that scar is worth it.
If you ever happen to make it over to my house for coffee, I hope we can sit down on my scarred up couch and remind each other that life is not about the lie of measuring up. I would give you a hug and remind you of what I was reminded of yesterday.
By His stripes we are healed. By His stripes we are enough.