Over the years I’ve noticed that my first response to my inability to understand something or do something tends to be deep feelings of insecurity. More often than I like to admit, I can feel these thoughts welling up inside me when faced with a lack of knowledge: “you are incompetent…you are not smart enough”
I saw this pattern play out again the other day. I was attempting to figure a few things out related to my job and, immediately, that voice began repeating some of the same hurtful words it’s said to me in the past….you are not qualified…you might as well quit…if you were smarter you would understand. If you ask for clarification and help and the answer ends up being obvious “they” might think you are stupid for asking such a dumb question.
Turns out, I did ask for help and clarification and, guess what? I had not been given all the pieces of the puzzle. I was missing information. There was no way I could have moved forward without those details.
Yesterday, after realizing that I had, once again, allowed insecurity to bully me around the big playground known as life, tears came to my eyes. Why, Lord? Why do I still insist on using myself as a punching bag?
Then, I thought back on the times in my life when I was intentionally made to feel stupid and incompetent. The first thing that came to mind after remembering these hurtful times was…”Lord, forgive me if I have ever done that to someone. Help me to be sensitive. Help me to never make someone else feel like that.”
My second thought was the acknowledgement that this is only part of the problem and, really, at this point, it is only an excuse… I’m the one who is choosing to allow those hurtful feelings to continue to take up residence in me. I am the one who allows these lies to still have a say in my life today. (And I don’t say this just to have yet another reason to beat myself up. 😉 ) Instead, I say this so that I will remember the truth: I have a choice on whether I allow insecurity to walk all over me or not. I have a choice on whether I become a doormat to this relentless bully. And, most importantly, I have a choice as to which voice I choose to listen to today and everyday.
Some reminders for me (and anyone else who might need them) today:
I don’t need to fear the opinions of others.
I don’t need man’s approval.
There is only One who I need to please today.
I am accepted and loved by Him just as I am.
I don’t need to hide my weaknesses…He knows every single one of them and promises that it’s through those weaknesses that His light shines brightest.
Today, I choose to walk in this Truth.
Thank you, Lord.