Category Archives: infertility

The Perfect Plan

My son has been calling me back into his room on a few occasions after tucking him in at night. He tearfully asks me why he always has to sleep alone, “You and Daddy get to sleep together…why don’t I have someone?” He then goes on to tell me that he wishes he had a little brother or sister.

I try to explain to him that even if he had siblings he more than likely would still sleep alone. Most of his friends who have siblings still sleep in separate rooms. It helped a few weeks ago when he and I picked a night on the calendar when he could look forward to me being his “sleeping buddy” for the night. Now, he wants a special night on the calendar when Daddy will do the same! This seems to have helped when he cries about being alone. I really don’t think it is so much the sibling he desires but rather just someone there with him. Regardless of the true reason for his sadness, his tears and quivering lip pull at my mommy heart strings.

About 3 years ago, I finally came to a place of peace with not being able to have more children. After one miscarriage a year after my son was born and countless trips to a fertility specialist trying to conceive again, I finally “let go”. It was a hard journey getting to that point of surrender. I so DID NOT want my son to be an only child. I had never pictured my life with just one child. My ideal life included having at least two kids. I had to have another one! That was the plan.

I agonized over this for a couple years until I finally heard God’s voice speaking to me on the subject. Loud and clear, I heard Him say…But Eileen, I am okay with you having just one child. I am God AND I know what I am doing. Immediately, a calm came over me and I let go– finally willing to accept whatever path God thought was best for us.

Another thing that happened when I surrendered was a deeper understanding that just because my life was not going along quite as I had planned in my head, it didn’t mean that I had failed or was “less than” or that I did not measure up somehow. God had other plans and regardless of how many children I had (zero or 10), my Heavenly Father loves and accepts me and knows what is the best plan for my life. I think this place of acceptance and surrender is much easier to reach when you already have one child. But through this whole journey, the Lord opened my eyes again to the fact that even though I didn’t understand the “why”…God does, and His plan is perfect.

I know that when people are confronted with trials in their life that don’t seem to make sense, they tend to comfort each other by saying “Well…God has a plan.” Well…that’s great… but most of the time that answer doesn’t do much to ease the pain or disappointment we often feel. I usually have to walk through this explanation before it brings me any sort of peace or comfort. Why should it matter that God has a plan? I once heard a quote from Francis Chan that now pops into my brain anytime I feel like life is not going along as I have carefully planned it out. “You might THINK you have a good plan…but YOU don’t have a universe!” The God that created the universe, the God that placed all the stars in the sky and counted every hair on my head and knows every tear I will ever cry…maybe, just maybe, He knows more than I know about the trials I will face.